People-Pleasing, Perfectionism & Parental Burnout: How to Feel Present Again

There's a moment many parents experience but rarely talk about.

You love your children deeply. You'd do anything for them. And yet, sometimes you're just exhausted. Overwhelmed. Disconnected.

You look around and wonder: Why does this feel so much harder than I expected? What's wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you.

What's likely happening is that you're running on patterns you never consciously chose. This keeps you stuck in survival mode instead of allowing you to experience the joy, presence, and connection you deeply want.

This is the heart of a recent conversation I had with McKenzie Kin, a parenthood transformation coach and therapist who helps overwhelmed parents step out of burnout and rediscover daily joy.

McKenzie's journey into this work began when she became a parent herself. Despite years of training as a family therapist and her own personal therapy work, she found herself kicked into survival mode: confused, overwhelmed, and wondering if this was just how parenting was supposed to feel.

Her answer? No. There's another way.

The Hidden Patterns Driving Parental Burnout

Before McKenzie had children, a teenage client told her: "Your kids are going to be so lucky to have you as a parent."

McKenzie remembers thinking, "Yeah, I've done this work for years. I've been in therapy. I'll be fine."

Then she had a baby. And parenthood reality hit hard.

"I was so confused about whether this is just how parenting is, or whether I was experiencing postpartum issues, or whether I was just failing," she shares. "It was very hard."

What McKenzie discovered in her journey out of burnout was this: There are structural realities of parenting we can't change. But there are things in our own internal landscape that we absolutely can.

Through her work with parents, McKenzie has identified what she calls:

The Four Horsemen of Parenting

1. Perfectionism (or Overachieving)

Most parents McKenzie works with don't identify as perfectionists. But they recognize the overachieving tendency.

It shows up as:

• Over-researching every parenting decision

• Overthinking and second-guessing constantly

• A harsh inner critic that attacks when things go wrong ("What's wrong with me? Why can't I just do better?")

• Cringing when your child struggles or fails at something

• Feeling like their worth (and your worth) is tied to their performance

2. People-Pleasing

This pattern often looks like:

• Policing your children's behavior because it reflects on you

• Constantly managing how you're perceived by other parents, teachers, or family

• Over-apologizing from a place of shame rather than genuine repair

• Difficulty setting boundaries because you're afraid of disappointing others

3. Overfunctioning (or Hyperindependence)

This shows up as:

• Believing "it will only be good enough or safe enough if I do it myself"

• Difficulty delegating or accepting help

• Feeling activated when others offer support because "they're not doing it right"

• Inability to slow down or rest

• Your worth coming from being able to handle everything alone

4. Self-Sacrifice

This pattern means:

• Creating an identity as "the good parent" based on how much you sacrifice

• Being so disconnected from your needs that you can't even articulate them

• Believing that any act of self-care takes away from your children

• Feeling guilty for wanting time, space, or energy for yourself

Why These Patterns Lead to Burnout

Here's the critical piece: These patterns are the wrong tools for the level of stress that parenting brings.

Before you become a parent, you might be able to people-please and overachieve your way through life. You can work until 3 a.m., get up at 7 for the gym, meet your boss's demands, and still have brunch with friends.

But once you have children? That capacity is gone.

If you try to meet the demands of parenting by doubling down on these patterns: trying harder, doing more, making yourself smaller, then you inevitably deplete yourself into burnout.

The Trauma Activation No One Warns You About

One of the most surprising conversations McKenzie and I had was about how our children activate our own unhealed trauma.

I shared my experience: When my daughter turned eight, I was suddenly triggered in ways I didn't understand. Later, I realized that age eight was when I experienced significant trauma in my own childhood.

My teenage years with my daughter—ages 13 and 14—were brutal. Not just because those years are hard in general, but because I was holding unprocessed trauma from my own experience at that age.

McKenzie validated this completely: "This is super common. It's called blocked care."

When our child reaches the age at which we experienced trauma, our caregiving neurochemicals can get blocked. The warm, connected feelings we normally have toward our children become harder to access. We go through the motions, but our internal caregiving system is offline.

McKenzie's advice? Curiosity and compassion.

"The more we can get into curiosity and compassion, the more we're going to be able to grow from that activation. There are so many reasons our kids trigger us. The main thing is to be curious and self-compassionate, because there is a reason. It's not just because we're failing or we're bad."

The Internal Work That Changes Everything

I think back to when my two younger children were small. My daughter was four or five. She was persistent, strong-willed, full of personality traits I didn't want to crush but found incredibly challenging.

I was self-aware enough by then to know: The old way of parenting wasn't going to work. I didn't want to parent from my trauma.

I read Dr. Shefali Tsabary's The Conscious Parent, and it offered me a crucial reframe: Your children are not a reflection of you. That's your work.

This changed everything.

It meant I could stop trying to control how my daughter showed up in the world to protect my own image as a "good parent." I could let her be herself.

When your child says something sideways in a social situation and you want to let it ride so they can learn, you need to have done enough internal work that your body can tolerate that discomfort. Otherwise, you're white-knuckling it. You know you want to parent differently, but it costs you enormous energy because you're fighting your own nervous system.

"When we can do a little bit of that internal work," McKenzie explains, "there's more ease with which we can actually shift the behavior, because it's coming from a deeper, more embodied place."

The Power of Repair

One of the non-negotiables McKenzie emphasizes is repair.

Research on attachment shows that secure relationships aren't built on always being regulated. They're built on the ability to repair after disconnection.

All healthy relationships involve natural disconnections:

• Your child goes to school, you go to work, you reconnect

• You're distracted for a bit, then you refocus on them

• These are just the ebb and flow

But some disconnections impact the relationship more if they're not attended to:

• Misattunements where you misunderstood their need

• Moments when you yelled, said something shaming, or reacted harshly

Repair is what strengthens the relationship. It says: We can handle moments of stress. We can handle disconnection. Our relationship is bigger than that.

But here's the key McKenzie shared that shifted how I think about repair:

We need to repair with ourselves first before we repair with our child.

As a recovering people-pleaser, I recognize this pattern: The minute I felt bad for yelling, I'd rush back to my child to apologize and process. But I hadn't yet spent time with my own feelings, my own self-forgiveness.

True repair requires self-compassion first.

Micro-Shifts Over Massive Overhauls

When I think about my own transformation as a parent, I often tell the story of how my kids now say, "Remember when you used to yell?"

That shift didn't happen overnight. It came from:

• Completing Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) three times

• Simultaneous EMDR therapy

• Two years of deep, consistent practice

I learned the power of the pause. I learned about impact over intent. I learned embodiment and presence.

The work was significant. But it was made up of micro-shifts. These are small, daily practices that accumulated over time.

Real transformation happens through one or two percent shifts:

• Reminding yourself you're not responsible for all of your child's emotions

• Setting one small, doable boundary

• Listening to the voice that says, "I want to spend time with a friend this weekend"

• Choosing to be present instead of jumping in to solve every problem

What It Really Means to Be a Good Parent

If McKenzie could leave parents with one reframe, it would be this:

You already are a good parent. You don't need to reach some destination to claim that title.

Being a good parent isn't about being totally regulated all the time. It's not about never making mistakes or being perfect.

"It starts with doing the work to feel you are good enough as a parent, and then things flow from that," she explains. "It's a journey of being willing to be human and authentic, to keep showing up when things are hard, and to use those moments of difficulty to learn about who you are and who your kids are. That's enough."

The Path Forward

If you're reading this from a place of exhaustion, overwhelm, or disconnection from the parent you want to be, please hear this:

Burnout isn't a personal failure. It's often a signal that something old is ready to be released.

The patterns keeping you stuck: perfectionism, people-pleasing, overfunctioning, and self-sacrifice—aren't character flaws. They're survival strategies you developed long ago to keep yourself safe.

But they're not serving you anymore. And they're definitely not serving your children too.

You can start small. You don't have to overhaul your entire life. You don't have to have it all figured out. You just have to be willing to pull one thread at a time.

Connect with McKenzie Kin:

• Instagram: @parenting_with_mckenzie

• Facebook Group: Anchored Parenting

McKenzie works one-on-one with parents and offers workshops on topics like the link between fawning and rage in parenting. Stay tuned for her upcoming workbook and programs in 2026.

Watch here to learn more:

If you're struggling with parental burnout, divorce transitions, or need support navigating life's challenges, you don't have to do it alone. Reach out. Get curious. Be compassionate with yourself. You're already doing better than you think.