Just a few years ago, I was lost.
My story is common and starts like many others', I had become a stranger to myself. I lived, dressed, spoke and obsessed for everyone and everything I thought I needed. Not only was I lost, but I was sick and didn't know it.
On the outside I was living the dream. Looking the part of the perfect wife, mom, and friend was my job and my illness. I was so unwell that I did not know I was lost. My home had become a prison, housing an unfulfilling job that I never wanted. The clothes, shoes and bags never felt right together "Relationships" felt forced. "Self-care" was required to keep it looking good, not feeling good. All of the beliefs keeping this going were created in my head and held me captive in a beautiful toxic place.
Then something happened. A "friend" that never felt easy or authentic suddenly unfriended me in all ways. I still don't know why, but this event changed my life. Now I am grateful for her ghosting, but at the time it felt devastating. Although I am certain others had not cared for me in the past, this was the first time someone in this community openly let me go. I was 43 years old and felt like a middle schooler, completely derailed by the loss of an acquaintance who I had almost nothing in common with. I was so upset in fact that I got shingles and my health deteriorated. But why did I care this much?
In May of that year I went to a therapist for the first time in my life. I recognized that I was not in a good place mentally or physically, and that I needed help. I only saw her a few times, as I felt that I wasn't going through something bad enough to be there. Was I really worthy of her time? No, my problems were not bad enough.
I was wrong, of course. It was not this event with this friend that I needed help with. It was me. I got lost somewhere along the way and needed to find my way back.
That therapist introduced me to two things that set me off in the right direction. One was the idea that I was a perfectionist (not perfect, but self sabotaging with perfectionism). This is something that I have continued to learn about myself and it is one of my greatest struggles. However, now that I recognize how I use it to hurt myself, my knowledge is one of the greatest tools in my toolbox.
The second gem she gave me was my first real self help book, You Are a Badass by Jen Sicero. I promptly signed up for Audible, and the journey back to myself began. I also bought a copy for a bunch of friends and family, as I knew everyone needed to hear Jen's wisdom! My thoughts on this book have changed immensely after continuing to do the work and finding other authors that are in alignment with my values and beliefs, but I am incredibly grateful that it gave me the courage to start looking for myself. I had so much self doubt. I needed this kick in the butt in huge way!
In August of 2019, something else happened. I started getting brave enough to share my struggles with people who felt safe. My dear friend and esthetician asked me if I had read Brene Brown and some other authors. She also told me about a women's retreat that changed her life. I booked the retreat (more in another blog post) and quickly found Brene, Chodron, and Tolle. Over the past two years I have gone on to discover Glennon Doyle, Shefali Tsabary and others who have inspired me to continue to grow and seek authenticity by bravely sharing their own stories of hard times and getting lost.
As I read Glennon's stories of motherhood and issues with worthiness, her vulnerability and relatability allowed me to open up a part of myself that I hid for far too long. Brene's ability to tap into every feeling of shame and lack of belonging I have ever had, break it down and make me feel normal is remarkable. Tolle's simple words that put mindfulness, even during a pandemic, into perspective have changed my life in the most dramatic ways. I am forever grateful for all of the authors, big and small, who are out there sharing their wisdom with the world... and me.
After two years of reading, learning, and looking for myself, I can confidently say that I am found. However, I still discover new old things about myself that I had forgotten. The most recent discovery/recollection is just how resilient I am. I think forgetting our strength is common too. We forgot when we let others tell us otherwise because we are tired and lost, but it is always with us. We are strong, even at our weakest.
In the coming weeks, I will be sharing my bookshelves with you and highlighting some of my favorites and discussing why I love these authors, what I learned from them, what I continue to learn from them, and how I find new authors to inspire me. I would love to start conversations with many of you on these same topics! Please comment below and let me know who your favorite and most inspiring authors are! I will add a few pics of my absolute favs below, but more to come!!!
I hope you will join me and possibly help me with a little book circle in the near future! I will be choosing chapters or sections of some of my favorite books to review and revisit with friends! If you have some close friends, you could form a small group to work together too.
I look forward to learning and growing together!
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