As we celebrate our many freedoms and independence this great July 4th weekend, I find myself reflecting on my personal freedom.
Of course I am grateful for those who have fought for our country’s freedom and those who continue to protect us every day. When we step away from politics and bureaucracy, what we have available to us in this country is remarkable. I am so grateful.
Personal Freedom
I am also reflecting on something more personal… something I don’t always allow myself. Personal freedom… or being free from the things that take away my ability to be me… 1) worry of what others think, 2) what I have learned I am supposed to be or do, and 3) my debilitating perfectionism and people pleasing. In this post I want to talk about perfectionism and people pleasing, and how they almost sabotaged a recent trip.
I had a wonderful 2.5 days in NY last weekend. I had been looking forward to my 1.5 days alone in the city before I picked up my daughter, but when I arrived I didn’t feel joy, relief or independence as I had imagined it.
In the days leading up to my arrival, someone close to me was struggling. Life was spiraling out of control. Some of the chaos affected my life directly, causing my own issues with worthiness, security and safety to rear their ugly heads. On Sunday, I got on the plane to NY feeling totally depleted.
As I sat in the hammock looking out at the skyline I had longed to enjoy, I struggled to put my finger on what was going on in my mind. I felt strangely scared, lonely, sad and unable to be in this moment. Part of me didn’t want to leave the room, while the other half of me was screaming at myself. I AM WASTING MY HALF DAY, DAMNIT! I knew it was bad when I was shaming myself for not being able to DO self care. lol.
My Practice/Work
So I did the only things I knew to do. I meditated, walked, took photos of the skyline, connected via photo sharing with a few friends and started to write. Not such a bad way to spend an evening in Brooklyn…
I really needed a deep dive to feel safe and free. Initially, I thought I was sad and lonely because I was in this beautiful, romantic place without another person to share it with. That actually pissed me off. I am sure the perfectionist in me was thinking how imperfect it was to be here alone, but I wanted to be alone. WTF! The voice in my head can be a real asshole sometimes.
This feeling was something else though. I felt like a lost, scared little girl. Why? As I processed it, I began to think of the things that had happened the week before and how I responded.
When the chaos started, it was not affecting me personally, but I wanted to fix it. So I stepped in to help. That wasn’t enough, and soon there were more problems. I couldn’t help with the other things. So people pleaser and perfectionist me were really struggling and grew consumed by all of it. Why? I meditate. I am supposed to be okay now! Deep in my mind, I told myself this: If I can’t fix everything for this person, things are going to fall apart for everyone, including me. I am not safe or secure.
I have lived in this cycle with this person for more years than I can state. This is the first time I really processed what I was doing to myself when there is chaos in their life.
Inner Child Work
I went deeper this time to find my “why”.
Growing up I saw myself as the fixer (my siblings might say I was something else), but that is how I saw myself. Like many children, I felt very responsible for my mom. In order to feel safe, accepted and loved, I needed to make sure she was okay. Sometimes I couldn’t make things okay for her. So I tried to make everything and everyone as perfect as possible, including myself. Good grades. Good hair. Excellent manners. Except it is impossible to be perfect, so I also created a story about myself being unlovable, unworthy, unaccepted and unsafe.
So fast forward to 45 year old me sitting in a beautiful window hammock looking out at the Manhattan skyline searching for why my heart hurt when I was who and where I wanted to be.
I couldn’t fix the correct situation for this other person and recognized that I will never be able to. So despite being very safe, secure, worthy, accepted and loved, I felt something else until I processed all of this. When I saw the “why” and put the pieces together, my freedom and peace returned.
Healing
This is what self care and the inner child practice looks like for me now.
When the feelings and thoughts creep in, I recognize that something inside me is not okay. I start looking for the source so I can remove the false story creeping into my head. Before I did this work, I might have felt bad for days, weeks, or months. A year ago I would have called my life coach to have her help me process it. Some of my freedom now comes with my ability to get through the hard things on my own, but she is also there when I need her.
I share this story with you to let you know that if any of it sounds familiar, or if you have your own false stories that creep up, you are not alone. There is help out there in many forms. You can find your freedom too. Are you cured forever? No, sadly life is full of triggers that bring back the stories we created in our early years. With work though, you can learn to recognize the feelings and emotions and get what you need to move forward.
For Perfectionists and Pleasers
For all of my fellow perfectionists and people pleasers out there, I found a few recommendations to help us set healthy boundaries and learn how to deal when things fall apart for those we care about from my favorite podcast and website Expanded and To Be Magnetic, Episode 151.
Here are some questions to ask yourself if you feel pulled to be the fixer:
What is my responsibility and what is not?
Can I give without depleting myself?
Is my “help” self serving to make me feel safe?
Are they asking for help?
What is this situation reminding me of from my childhood?
You can tell yourself and the other person:
“I know you can do this on your own. I need to step away.”
Other ways perfectionism can show up:
Control
Procrastination
Withdrawal
Apologizing when you did nothing wrong
Desire to be liked
Conflict avoidance
Struggling with Authenticity
More to come
I hope this story finds those who needed to hear it. I created the LooM life to help others. I have found a way to heal and live life more authentically, and I want that for everyone. The work is never ending, but having the right tools makes it possible. We will be sharing more tools, therapies and life stuff in the coming days!
I believe sharing stories like this can help others. If you have a story and/or tools that you want to share on theloomlife, please send me an email at leslie@theloomlife.com. I will
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