This reality is only my own AND that is okay

This is my work right now. I am my work, and a work in progress I am. So I thought I would share this hot mess with the world. Please give me some grace and be kind. Okay, the world might be just my mom and a few others who read my page. That IS my reality, and it is okay.

Meet Kendra, my life coach. She helps me with my shit. I am forever grateful for her patience, love, compassion and sometimes stern voice. If you don't have a Kendra (friend, coach, therapist, your person), you probably need one. The shit is deep right now, and the new stuff has a way of digging up old stuff.

The "real" state of things

I have never thought about alternate realities, so when Kendra told me I might need to accept that they exist it kind of pissed me off. I was already mad, confused, scared, and uncomfortable. Judging someone for not seeing the world through my lens and behaving accordingly happens when I am in this dark place. Is that easier than believing in an alternate reality?

I have long told myself the story that I am not a "judgy" person. Since hearing of it, I like to follow the wisdom of Pema Chodron who teaches it is easier to live believing that we are all doing our best rather than worrying otherwise. However, I have spent more time than I want to admit fighting the urge to judge or worrying about being judged these past 18 months. I have fought it because it does not feel good. I fail to keep it at bay when things get very hard and fear creeps in.

Right now I am tired. There are too many other hard things that occupy my mental space, and the Covid realities are more complicated than I thought. I have to surrender to this idea that there are alternate realities that are different than my own. I cannot understand them. Others cannot understand mine. Accepting that is difficult but necessary for me to keep moving as my best aligned self.

I now recognize that I need to let others exist as they are. I can love and support them in their different reality AND be conscious of what keeps me in my best place. That may include extra boundaries or even physical space. It may not.

Two friends. Same community. Same day. Different reality.

Friend 1 Calls

She just left work after 20 hours on and described a nightmare unfolding at her hospital. Patients lined the halls of their ER. Well over 100 people waited to be seen. Decisions about who would get the open ICU beds were heartbreaking and made while patients were dying downstairs within minutes of one another. It was unbearable, unthinkable and overwhelming. How could they keep doing this? There was more... but you get the picture.

Friend 2 Texts

Not long after helplessly listening to my friend, I got a text from someone else. It was an adorable photo of her with her kids in front of the castle at Magic Kingdom. They proudly wore their Mickey ears and looked so happy (hot, but happy). I asked her recently if she felt comfortable on her last visit to the park, so she was texting to let me know she had gone and felt really comfortable. They had a great time and encouraged me to take the kids.

The conflict... is there one?

I have so many people I care about in healthcare, so as Kendra reminded me recently, I do have a front row seat to the mess that is unfolding in many different healthcare settings. I am not there myself, but I hear it from people who are daily including my husband. It is different than seeing it on the news. I also see and hear their pain. I never stop thinking of them. They are my friends and my family. I want it to stop for them.

Additionally, I have my own life experiences working in healthcare that have shaped my ideas about what all of this looks like. What the quality of care must be like... I also have mine and my children's health risks filed away. I have the Covid stories of my friends and family, and my dear friends who have lost their parents too soon. Finally I know our family unit and the dynamics of how we work.

Let's not forget my distance learning experience... ugh.

On a positive note, I know that we have traveled comfortably this summer, many of our friends have explored even more than us without getting sick. This all shapes my reality.

The challenge for me has been accepting that I don't need to force my reality on my friend who just went to Disney (or any others who don't ask for it). It is not hers. She just had the best 4 days ever with her kids at the happiest place on earth and did not catch any viruses. They didn't even get diarrhea! That is her reality.

Please don't misunderstand. I think doctors, nurses and public health officials should keep the public informed about what is happening to our healthcare system. I also think we should all make responsible decisions based on that information. I strongly encourage people to do the things that are recommended to protect everyone in our communities. What I am saying is that I CANNOT MAKE MY REALITY MY FRIEND'S REALITY or vice versa. Understanding this brings me an immense amount of peace because it gives me the ability to validate what I know and let go of the rest.

So what else am I working on?

Well the possibilities are pretty much endless, but related to this same topic I will share a few things.

The truth about the truth

Thanks again to Kendra who told me this week that I am not always right, don't always need to be right and sometimes will never know if I am right. Guys I really like to know the answers! I don't even know how many degrees I have anymore, but I collect them so I can know stuff. It is my armor. It makes me feel safe. She is right though. Sometimes I don't know if the people on the other side of the issue are right, if I am right or if we both have it wrong. I know they sure think they know the answer. Learning to sit with this idea of letting go and accepting I may never know for sure, is really fucking hard. I am going to continue working. I just need to know I am living within my values. Always.

Keeping my authenticity, purpose, and values front and center

I sent a text to my siblings out of anger a couple weeks ago. It wasn't directed towards them, and I was not angry with them. I was scared. Many times I react to extreme fear by stepping outside of my values, and I almost instantly regret it. I have been working on this for a couple of years now, but it creeps back when I get really scared.

I think in times like these, it is also important to give ourselves and each other some grace. We are going to have moments where we don't look or feel like ourselves. It is okay. Our friends might too. Extra compassion and understanding go a long way.

When I get information that feels overwhelming or bad news, I try to give myself a moment. It might mean asking the kids for space. I find the hand on heart and belly position with my eyes closed soothing. Just taking a few short moments can get me back in alignment if I just take the time.

Reducing consumption

I know it is time to cut back when 1) the chest pain starts or 2) people don't want to talk to me because I am not talking about anything positive. Yep, I can see it on their face or hear it in their voice. They ask about the kids, and I go to Covid. Guilty. My kids are way more fun and joyful subjects. If you ask me about them, I will try my best tell you about Ella's audition for the school play or Jack's latest gaming obsession.

To be sure I am getting more good stuff than bad, I have stopped checking news on my phone, taken off all notifications on mobile devices, unfollowed news on social media to keep my content there fun, inspirational, and motivational, and I try to avoid accounts that share a lot of divisive or shaming content.

I am not claiming perfection in any area here, and I want to be clear. Grace is the key! I am human. I will mess up. We all do. I just thought I would share the ways I am striving to fill up with inner peace, love and joy in a really challenging time. Hoping this reaches whomever needs it.

Always happy to hear from you in the comments here, on IG or in Facebook. Sending you all the good vibes friends.